Tag Archives: Humor

In the Glass I See

There in the glass I see a sixteen year old boy with an old man’s mask on. I begin to notice the dark circles under the green eyes that sparkle; nothing dull yet; but his glasses do need cleaning. I see white stubble and mustache with a two inch long goatee on his saddening face; like he’s had no reason to shave in the past few days. Looking closer I see the goatee covers a weak double chin with a single wrinkle that goes down the length of his neck. The same white stubble covers his shaved head to cover the thinning bald spot in the back and what’s left of his front hairline.
His round upturned nose reminds me of a Santa’s nose, but there’s a thin scar going diagonal from the left nostril to the top that makes his nose tilt to the right side of his face. His cheekbones are set high, but it seems to highlight the dark circles more. The ears are long and close to the head.
Wait a minute… he’s starting to smile with a broad grin and his eyes are lighting up and sparkling even more. His whole face transforms and laughs a little with a tear rolling down his cheek and then is when I happily succumb to my fate realizing the old man is me and that my wrinkles are really my laugh lines. My green eyes are still that of the sixteen year old from so many years ago… but they’re still with me today.

© 2011 Michael Yost 12/10

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Alien Reconstruction

Passing Gas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome everybody to the introduction
Hopefully I’ll explain it all through my induction
Building a new existence through self seduction
There’s no time now for self destruction

Compiling the knowledge for instruction
Eliminating the extra work through deduction
Now it’s time to begin the inner construction
First finding all the hindering walls by deduction

Then knocking down all those obstructions
And leveling off all the reductions
Finishing my new existence by conduction
Forgetting the time of the alien abduction

© 2011 Michael Yost 12/03

An Understanding

Inhaling yesterday’s memory.
Her scent’s lingering long.
Sprawled naked on her silken robe
She rose early and now she’s gone

The nightstand held a note for me
I smiled as I read
The evening was nice, please feed the cat
Don’t forget to make the bed.
© 2011 Michael Yost 08/01

5 Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Anon

 

Ambrosia

The sheer curtains that opened up to the evening air

Helped diffuse the hanging flatulent tremors with ease

My normally clean conscience since I inadvertently allowed

The ambrosia escape from under the comforter.

 

© 2012 Michael Yost 03/19

Best Read with New Meds

Lazy eye turns and I see double

Tired eyes close, the start of the trouble

Drifting away, sleep seals my work

Minutes later, a sudden jerk

 

Awake now and ready to start

Writing half lines within my heart

It’s a price I pay with new meds

Wonder if it’s worth, sleeping instead

 

© 2012 Michael Yost 1/15

Rapin…..Slivers

Sledge hammer’s slivers busting blisters
My cell mates bust on my sister
Breaking rocks forever troubles my wife
Feels like I’m going backwards serving life

I used to know who I was back then
It’s wasting time guessing where I am
Salvation was with bloody sheepskins
Now His blood washes away our sins

Kneeling on pebbles for attention
Seeking His help with silent ascension
Opening our eyes where we survive
Praising His name and forgetting lies

© 2015 Michael Yost 09/24